The year of Z

The end of the year is in sight and I haven't blogged about anything else but her. And it's not as if anything real is happening, oh a lot of things are happening--inside my head. It could all be inside my head for all I know, all that happened was one evening.

One wonderful, delightful evening of platonic bliss. I would exchange the best sex I have ever had for one more not-even-a-beso night with her. But all I've gotten the rest of the year is getting shot down. Again and again. If I were a fighter pilot and I kept getting shot down and I'm still alive to tell my tale I'd be the best damn flier out there. But it doesn't feel that way. I just feel like any loser feels, like I missed my target.

Now I don't know whether to ride this out or to try and complete my mission. I could be fighting other, equally attractive, battles but there's just something about this one that has dug its claws in me and refuses to let go. Or maybe I'm the one who can't let go.

Ok this is starting to revolve in circles.

I don't know what to do. I've questioned myself, analyzed my "moves", and yet, after all the hemming and hawing and feelers, I feel like I'm always back where I started.

And now I don't know how to end this entry properly.

And then you wake up

I did not realize it at first, but when they suggested I move on to the next, no matter what argument to the contrary I thought was in my head, the truth still stood out. And it all clicked into place like a jigsaw puzzle, painting a picture that was as honest as it was painful. You tell yourself this is a rite of passage, that it's part of the trial and error process. But the reality is never as vivid as the cold logic that justifies the rejection. Because that's what hurts, you take a leap of faith and buy a lottery ticket, but fate just leaves you holding a torn piece of paper and dashed hopes.

I'll buy a ticket again no doubt, but for now it's time to get back to the grind. Maybe dreams do come true, but we all have to wake up sometime.

Dreams Do Come True

Me: Hi. Do you have any plans tonight? Have you seen Music and Lyrics?
Her: Yeah, twice na. :)
Me: I wanted to see it before pa but when Ghost Rider came out the comic book geek in me won out. Don't tell me you've seen The Holiday too?
Her: well, twas ok... kulang sa chemistry, but kaaliw naman. I watched it during the Araneta ctr event, then again coz a friend wanted to see it :). The Holiday is on my pending DVDs pile. :) he he
Me: Do you wanna see it on the big screen?
Her: Yeah I wanna but I have to pack for Cebu and I've been procrastinating all day. Plus I have to watch PBB for work. Seriously.
Me: But you're a pro at packing clothes by now! And you're gonna replace Jude Law with some Sam Milby wannabe?
Her: B.I.! tsk tsk... is it even showing pa? what tym if ever? I'll think muna k?
Me: Powerplant and Gateway are still showing it. The latter at 9:40pm.

8:50pm
Me: So is the fun, fearless, female gonna work on a Sunday or will she catch the last full show of a romcom to cap the weekend? But seriously if you have to work it's no problem.
Her: I tried to finish packing and kinaya naman... k game na... need a breather anyway :)
Me: Alright. Pick you up at your place.
Her: text me when you're near :)

Have you seen this girl?

I miss the Conch. The ichats, the coffees, road trips, the short drives, the long talks, the short talks, the texts, the advice, her smiles, her laughter, her tears.

What is it with managing editors anyway?

Can you picture what heaven looks like?

I can't believe I didn't post this before. Joel and I are in infinity pool on the resort island of Sumilon in Cebu with the Cosmo girls Mariel and Zo. We don't know what heaven looks like, but we feel this comes pretty darn close.

Fascinating lines from a movie

... fantasies have to be unrealistic. Because the moment, the second you get what you seek, you don’t, you can’t want it anymore. In order to continue to exist, desire must have it’s objects perpetually absent. It’s not the it that you want; it’s the fantasy of it. So desire supports crazy fantasies. This is what Pascal means when he says that we are only truly happy when daydreaming about future happiness. Or why we say the hunt is sweeter than the kill, or be careful what you wish for. Not because you’ll get it, because you’re doomed not to want it once you do.

So the lesson of Leccan is, living by your wants will never make you happy. What it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideas and ideals, and not to measure your life by what you’ve attained in terms of your desires, but those small moments of integrity, compassion, rationality, even self sacrifice. Because in the end, the only way that we can measure the significance of our own lives, is by valuing the lives of others.

-- David Gale, Life of David Gale

Once You Go Black...

It's been a tumultous time at Top Gear since I last posted. It's been a wild ride, pardon the befitting metaphor. From the dizzying highs to staggering lows, we experienced it all.

And it's all because of this man resting peacefully. Or rather because he was replaced. But life goes on, and I suspect the moment Top Gear becomes mundane and uncontroversial is the moment it truly doesn't become Top Gear. That day we might as well return the license to BBC.

To Mike, one of the finest people I have ever worked with, probably the best real boss I've ever had, thank you for the memories and the faith. I won't let you down.

Blood is thicker than detergent

Sometimes you have to wonder, what’s the point of it all? Success? Money? Love? Fulfillment? Answers?  

Do we try to be ourselves or do we set ourselves aside and try to be the best we can?

Do we follow our instincts or do we curb our enthusiasm to achieve emotional maturity?

Do we search for the one or do we become the one?

The answer is choice.

But do we have a choice or do we choose to?

All these circular questions are supposed to come from a conversation with a cousin this afternoon. We used to be close, I always have and still think that she’s one of the few kin I have I can really relate to.  But since we first bonded during our teens life happened. College, relationships, marriage, motherhood for her, living abroad for me. Life. Then this afternoon while my underwear was being sorted in her laundromat we talked.

And we still have pretty much the same thoughts. It’s surprising because I thought our differences made us, well, different. So we talked about family, our lives, and more family. And she was the same cousin I connected with so many years ago.

And as usual after good talks, I ponder. After discussing other people’s lives you start looking at your own. And while you’ll always be this good looking, you remember who you set out to be.

I remember my previous post and while it thankfully it doesn’t resonate as much anymore, it still holds truth because it happened. But there are still blessings to be counted, minor victories to be celebrated. Because someday they will win the war. And I will be me, good looking as ever.